constant nightmares all night. it only reminded me of how that's all i
used to have and now they're back. you are a coward, you're empty.
you're so dead inside that hurting her didn't even curb your numbness.
you're aware that she has so much more than anything you're worth, and
that angers you. but you're nothing, you're nobody. you're equivalent to
a ghost. karma will have your head. i'm sure after so long, the heroin
isn't even a good high anymore. it will be your hell and your demise. i
hope you fucking rot.

tell me goodnight

here i am in my room alone smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves. i
don't consider myself unhappy or depressed, actually i'd say i am happy
overall and today wasn't exactly a bad day, just not a good one, not to
mention the shit storm that just hit a few hours ago. nothing made me
smile, nothing happened that made me really happy today and i don't like
that. every day you should have something to make you smile, even if its
just for a moment. the nerves in my stomach won't stop aching, i feel
completely on edge and it sucks to need someone or something else,
besides myself, to make me feel alright. maybe i am really dependant on
other people. i'm more alone with every day that passes and that
actually doesn't make me sad at all and maybe it should. all i need is
the people who want to be close to me. whether its one person or 100
people, doesn't matter to me. i think that while i've been putting so
much faith in other people, i've forgotten to set aside some faith for
myself. that's something to think about.

it gets harder to attach myself to people because i'm so afraid of the
outcome. give me something to look forward to

wearing your love around my neck made my skin turn green

there's a ton on my mind lately, even issues that i don't acknowledge as
actual significance. over the past year, or few months, i've altered
certain ways of how i go about things i do and say. all the same
feelings are there, i've just allowed myself to broaden the options on
how to deal with all the emotions and thoughts and blahblahblahblah. i
am sometimes weak minded, giving into this strange push and pull i have
with my heart and with my head. its a battle that feels conquered one
day but given a little time, it starts all over again. i'm still
discovering and trying to understand what route suits me best..do i
accept my feelings and play them out without denial or completely bury
them, avoid them and deliberately lie at all costs, to all inquiries.
dabbling with a little of both has only mind fucked me as of recently.
back and forth back and forth.

then i remember that things change. some things don't stay forever, even
if in that moment you are so certain that this one thing will stick,
that when all else fails, its untouchable. consistency changes form and
all of your certainties play tricks on you, almost always. because of
this, those very few things that do stay golden over time, through
scrapes and wounds, should be kept close to your heart. remember that
you are lucky enough to have found forever in something, or someone.

but as hard as you have your heart and mind set on something..it
sometimes isn't enough. pick yourself back up and keep going. my
memories weight heavy on me but i'm only a victim if i allow myself to
be and i could feel sympathy for those who victimize themselves, but i
only pity them because until they're responsible enough to accept their
own flaws and correct them, they will never live. what a waste.

they say home is where the heart is
sleepless on lonely streets
wrote an address across your chest
and told you "your heart is home to me"

medicinal shmedicinal

this rashlike disease
head to toe in insecurities
termites embarking on the inside
im alive when im alone
a work of art in shattered mirrors
hung under broken bulbs at midnight hours
liveliness sank its lancinating teeth into my limbs
wildfire ever since
eyes involuntarily aged..induced by medication
dissatisfaction and restless nights of indecision
is this battle against my racked mind worth the loss
numb tongue over the countless disappointment
and misdiagnosis
i hide under my sleeves so you can't ask me
inquiries that sound oh so familiar
I've got ten million answers and not enough strategy
fuck it, someone hand my dignity back to me, I've gotta start heading
home.
<3

my birthday is tomorow.

before today i believed i lived in neverland but then i realized in
neverland id never be alone.
i think its pathetic when people feel sorry for themselves and here i
am...population: 1 at this pity party.
its a proven fact that just being yourself never gets you anywhere.it
doesn't really end up like it does in movies...the outcast getting the
last laugh. its a bunch of bullshit everyone likes to eat up to gain
some sense of hope cause in reality no one cares if you're being
yourself or not.
i always thought if i lived alone, id be happier. i could solve all of
my problems and become a better person. I've quickly learned the only
problem lies within myself and now im forced to suffocate from it.

im cut out of pictures since my feelings won't get hurt
im pushed aside cause i wont care
i told you it was fine
i told you im okay

my heart is going to grow until it bursts. my inability to give a shit.

i wish i had the will to pretend to be someone you wanna love. id be
picture perfect and have the finest skin so that no one could decipher
the scars.

but i am just me

party has no sympathy, only a rush, giving you a run for your pulse.
<3

heartbomb.

it puzzles me how in one aspect of my life i'm so happy while in another
i'm a mess. there's the breaking point where i want to stop completely
but my heart beat keeps telling me to give just the bare minimum, at
least for now..give something. that's why i only give so little, the
rest of me is built on destruction. i only have so much to give..my mind
is running on what i can get by with..barely. it kills me..day by day
knowing i don't have the strength. knowing that i can't stand myself,
let alone, someone else having the ability to stand me. i ask myself a
million times a day 'why would SHE want ME?'. but i've never asked
her...because i'm afraid of the answer. how can i let someone love me
when i can't even love myself. and i keep saying i'll try so hard but it
never happens. what the fuck has to happen to me in order for me to get
the fuck up and stop complaining, actually do something in order to
begin to build self confidence? i'm a wreck but only i have made myself
this way...and only i can reverse it. i just need..anyone everyone
someone..to understand..even when i can't. it may be
impossible..completely impossible..but i've got a lot of hope left in
me.

just hold my hand and tell me you'll still be by my side in the end.
-- ellevira

random pic post

-- ellevira