i've never been more afraid of death.

today was one of the most eyeopening,saddest days of my life. it could
have been the 4 fifths of absolute but my family makes my lungs close.
i saw hurt like i've never seen before,so raw i could feel it. i've
never watched so much fear and feel so much sorrow. i know one day i'll
feel like them,losing a mom and i see now that it never gets easy.it
hurts me like no one could ever believe.
it's so hard to let go but sometimes it's what needs to be done.

as weird as this sounds another thing i experienced for i think the
first time in my entire life was true love. it made my heart melt and i
wanted to cry because it was just so pure and the most beautiful thing
to see. my aunt and uncle were slow dancing and they looked just so
happy,being together for 23 years. it's mindblowing.

i feel like crying now today has been such a wave of constant emotions.
i even talked about what has haunted me since i was 4 years old.. i
realize now how afraid i am of myself and everything that i feel. i am
never certain i am only attempting to be. i'm not as close asi thought i
was but i won't quit

my family is who i am and with all of their flaws, i love them more than
anything.
-- chinadoll<3

weekend of the week

i try to surround myself with the best of ghosts, in the worst way. and there is no worse reason.
once you detach your strings and live carelessly, you're free. to find yourself.. to find your self purpose in another, in a heart or a soul. or find a cure, a remedy to continue.
i know i am the envy of those lost and confused, worried and alone. i sympathize with the hopeless.
because sometimes, there is no home and there never will be.
i have found a home in myself and it's not alone as i thought it would be.

i need to slow down but i keep wanting to speed..i'll listen to my instict for now and keep going at this fast pace. i know if i get ahead of myself, these people will slow me down.
i spent the morning looking around for this supposed new skate shop. no luck, i was royaly bummed.
instead i ended up blowing half of my money on makeup. come to find out, it was worth the money. everyone loves it.
bought a bunch of food for the house. lots of bananas, strawberries and strawberry cheesecake yogurt<3 to fucking die for! my "boyfriend" was there haha don't ask.. such a creeper.
spent the rest of the morning listening to jackie. she's a riot, and really really weird.

from there i went to estefs and victors, who i hadn't seen in so long! watched a little of charlie bartlett which was so fucking good. (tomorrow we need to finish it, bitches!)
saw joeybear!!
lisandra came over to cut victors hair, i ended up helping and we cut it way short hahah like at least six fucking inches gone. but it looks good. she's so fucking adorable!

the rest of the night was ace.. starbucks wall of dopeshit, random kids hardcore dancing in the street, victor's insanity and footsies!! hopefully more of all of this tomorrow.

timewarp

i am a wreck in serious condition with a smile. i give the time of day
to those i feel deserve it..and even if it is sometimes unacheived or
mistaken..i try.

i wish only good enough for you, boy. maybe one day you will become a
man..on your death bed,perhaps

learn to love and tolerate letting go even if you felt its something you
never had. i only suffer to succeed
-- lalaxuree