then you die

hello train wreck my name is reality. time to get the fuck over yourself
and live in the real world

-- elle

with a name like that

you make me bite my nails
you make me hate myself
i can't stand you..and yet i love you
in the most disturbing way
i'm thinking too hard about something that i found really shouldn't be
so complex and here i am analyzing
if i cry myself to sleep would that mean that i care?
if i stop living for happiness would that mean it was all real?
movies and television fuck us up until we're just not real anymore.
we're stories, we're fiction and completely distraught.

i may cry, i may not but moving forth comes with great loss. the loss of
a heart..maybe 2. maybe more..
loss of hope and sight
strength and optimism
but this will build over the years

or there are always trains.
if you feel you're ready to walk then walk. and you can't even live to
fucking regret it

this is a chapter of me i'm ready to close and face and end. i may never
be what someone may want me to be again
and that is okay with me
lonliness doesn't last for eternity, not in the shoes i wear.

and i know love exists..in some form. that it isn't fate, it's luck and
not everyone is lucky
-- elle

new skeletons

i can't save someone else when i'm working so hard on myself. i feel
selfish this way. and maybe i am self centered or i could be right
i try to be a good friend but staring back at myself i know i need the
work. a lot of people are telling me how i've changed, how i've become
this bitchy defensive girl. this never used to be me but then again,
when it wasn't i was everyones door mat. maybe i'm not as bitchy as you
think i am.. maybe i'm just finally feeling my backbone.

don't come to me for advice i'm a bitch. you'll come to me with a cut
and leave with a gushing wound because i see now that i can't always
sugarcoat to make people smile. it backfires
so don't you all taste the bitter sweetness of reality. this is what
many of the people i chose to surround myself made of me. i rely on me..
on only me. i stand up for me i live for me.. i don't need a sappy
boyfriend/girlfriend to do shit with to share anything with because
mostof it is bullshit anyway.

i'm not a negative person i'm actually very positive.. i just don't live
on fantasy fucking island anymore.

if you really think i'm a mean person, you're doomed
-- elle

my new apartment is starting to feel like home. it didn't at first..but
it's coming together. gradually.
i need to do some more painting,sand the floors..put some finish on
them. buy a few things here and there like blinds and cloth.. i want the
back room to have zebra print walls and ceilings hahha weeeeeee

and that reminds me..if you can help out anyway definitely send me
stuff.. paint, paint brushes, dope cloth patterns.. it would be a
huuuuuge help!!!!

if anyone even reads this.

friday i'm going to my senior orientation and then after i'm getting my
septum pierced with joe hopefully. i still don't have id so who
knows....

i just can't wait to move into my new apartment officially.

friday.bar party

screwdrivers are better than vodka and cranberry juice
never give drunk girls a belt and stilettos
chuck norris aka toofers.
don't do coke.
home grown weed plants
vanessa bond 008
trampolines are not for me
and mikey lost his v to a bunch of alkies in the corner of a bar...true
story

porn is easier on the heart

you're a leech but what are you leeching onto? or more so...who? i am
watching you live months of myself and now i see how toxic it is to want
something,to be desperate for the attention of a mindfuck..and how i
hate to watch it suck you in like spiderwebs i can only hope it doesn't
hurt you as much as it did me..

i know how the mind of one lonely person works. and those who are
lonely,don't know it. and while you believe one person, who in reality
does not exist, comforts you.....you'll realize it's all in your head
and you were alone all along..

you're a hopeless fucking addict. you're a mess you're a dead end and
weaker than you could ever fucking imagine. he isn't who you think he is
and here you are pulling for more. more of the heartache and good one
liners..just enough to keep you hanging right up until he gets tired of
the same old, same old

your heart will eventually wear out from being used so much. it was
kickass while it laster,hm?