cool beans

hung out with the bro today in my apartment
lots of stupid pics and us laughing like fools
and check out my jack skellington and panda rug! so cutee
and the view from my balcony
i live across the street from a cemetery dopeee
-- ellevira

i'm deleting all of my old entries and i don't care what they mean to me

i don't know a fucking thing.
with lighters set flames to these petals until all but the center
dissolves into the soil. i am what is left..diffident and insecure.
termites that fine dine on organs and heartache
take your mind off of a throbbing pulse, bewildered bruises..scars
scarred over over time.
or you could be like me with an awful nail gun memory
and not in the sense that i am amnesic
this barrel is simply filled with a shitty supply of rust
my brain shouldn't suffer the aged damage
unbeknownst, it hurts twice as much

she's talking to me like a child
urges me to dig my nails into my cheeks and drag
and
drag
and
drag
and
drag
aaaaand draaaaaaaaaaaaaaagdragdragdrag
i waste your time in a way that appears meaningful for a while
a while has actually lasted longer than i thought it would
but time is up..push out and push forth
new doors & new floors
but never new serenity
i cut myself open to taste the oxygen differently and i never bled
patch me up in colored clatter, i'm a frame of the same face i was when
i was born. except i have gotten worse and you know that. you know it
for a fact i am a definition in your writing..a published piece that you
would love for a little bit. until smething better comes along to suit
you well and play your roles and hate you more than you hate yourself
but if they don't speak, what harm could that do?
you're not used to me
i pinpoint and rip apart
i am a void in the eye of a storm that you've never acknowledge
even i don't know what i mean

and this boy i know keeps me sane. and i don't know the first thing
about me..but i'd like to hold his hand until we get sick of each other

kill a butterfly,set a moth free

if you would've asked me a few years ago if my friends and family would
ever betray me, i'd never dream of this scenario. i suppose i could be
selfish, like i'm told that i am. selfish for wanting the attention,
wanting everyones world to revolve around me and my needs. but i
actually fear attention, and fear the suffocation. nothing i say will
change minds that have been made but i don't think i'll ever shut up. i
used to but don't expect me to anymore. but now it's so easy to crack me
but i'm not broken. i'm alive in the sense that i want to be, in the
worst way. i want to be proven wrong..

your self destruction weighs heavy on my heart. you've welcomed the
darkest shade of fate with open arms, i have no memory of anything more.
it never leaves. it's in my shadow that camouflages but never really
disappears. you are the scars on my canvas that never did fade
completely. and they're here to remind me of the hours i lay
contemplating whether i should press deeper. if you love me enough to
save me...

it's 7 years later and i still haven't received an answer.

i realize i am the transparent ghost you've grown a fondness to, i'll
let you sleep soundless through the night. come morning, ties will be
mended and my smile is genuine.

maybe i am broken
but feel like the vas that you never heard hit the floor. it never
really mattered enough.

i just shit my pants

what up 69