constant nightmares all night. it only reminded me of how that's all i
used to have and now they're back. you are a coward, you're empty.
you're so dead inside that hurting her didn't even curb your numbness.
you're aware that she has so much more than anything you're worth, and
that angers you. but you're nothing, you're nobody. you're equivalent to
a ghost. karma will have your head. i'm sure after so long, the heroin
isn't even a good high anymore. it will be your hell and your demise. i
hope you fucking rot.

tell me goodnight

here i am in my room alone smoking a cigarette to calm my nerves. i
don't consider myself unhappy or depressed, actually i'd say i am happy
overall and today wasn't exactly a bad day, just not a good one, not to
mention the shit storm that just hit a few hours ago. nothing made me
smile, nothing happened that made me really happy today and i don't like
that. every day you should have something to make you smile, even if its
just for a moment. the nerves in my stomach won't stop aching, i feel
completely on edge and it sucks to need someone or something else,
besides myself, to make me feel alright. maybe i am really dependant on
other people. i'm more alone with every day that passes and that
actually doesn't make me sad at all and maybe it should. all i need is
the people who want to be close to me. whether its one person or 100
people, doesn't matter to me. i think that while i've been putting so
much faith in other people, i've forgotten to set aside some faith for
myself. that's something to think about.

it gets harder to attach myself to people because i'm so afraid of the
outcome. give me something to look forward to

wearing your love around my neck made my skin turn green

there's a ton on my mind lately, even issues that i don't acknowledge as
actual significance. over the past year, or few months, i've altered
certain ways of how i go about things i do and say. all the same
feelings are there, i've just allowed myself to broaden the options on
how to deal with all the emotions and thoughts and blahblahblahblah. i
am sometimes weak minded, giving into this strange push and pull i have
with my heart and with my head. its a battle that feels conquered one
day but given a little time, it starts all over again. i'm still
discovering and trying to understand what route suits me best..do i
accept my feelings and play them out without denial or completely bury
them, avoid them and deliberately lie at all costs, to all inquiries.
dabbling with a little of both has only mind fucked me as of recently.
back and forth back and forth.

then i remember that things change. some things don't stay forever, even
if in that moment you are so certain that this one thing will stick,
that when all else fails, its untouchable. consistency changes form and
all of your certainties play tricks on you, almost always. because of
this, those very few things that do stay golden over time, through
scrapes and wounds, should be kept close to your heart. remember that
you are lucky enough to have found forever in something, or someone.

but as hard as you have your heart and mind set on something..it
sometimes isn't enough. pick yourself back up and keep going. my
memories weight heavy on me but i'm only a victim if i allow myself to
be and i could feel sympathy for those who victimize themselves, but i
only pity them because until they're responsible enough to accept their
own flaws and correct them, they will never live. what a waste.

they say home is where the heart is
sleepless on lonely streets
wrote an address across your chest
and told you "your heart is home to me"