i was in love with your memory.

i know the ones with cruelty for blood and cleavers for words
and in the break of hate, i know what it's like to live in fear of the
world
but in the still of the moment i know he'll watch your spirit break over
it
he may hold your hand until your last breath
but i would hand my heart over so you could have another chance
-- elle

no hangover zone. happy 18th justin!

What's wrong? aren't you happy you came home?
I should have seen, you couldn't give me 2 minutes last week
Your eyes decline when I say
Don't you want to fight back?
Don't you think you owe me that?
I've always been on your side
I took you back when you took my pride.
-- elle

i'm about to drive to school but i can't stop thinking about this year..
how so much has changed already.
i don't necessarily like school and i'm sure no one does.. but it's not
impossible and i'm learning that. i have to work my ass off if i want to
get somewhere.
today i start my first college class. i guess it's like a practice
college class? i get 3 college credits if i go every monday, 4 - 6pm
from now until october sumthin.. plus, it counts as one hour for hs and
i need all the hs credits i can get.
everyone is shoving this 4 year college thing down my throat but i don't
want to go really. i know what i want, i know the standards i have to
meet to get there and i'm taking all the required classes i'd have to in
hs.. plus i'll do some schooling after hs but eh.. 4 year isn't for me.
so my mondays are fucked.. BUT then i have to sign up for comm service
soo that's probably another 2 or 3 days out of my week. i need 100 hours
before christmas break.. riiiight..

it's a lot off my shoulders but i think it's all worth it
-- elle

she hasn't seen him in a while.

i want this saturday for a 5 month wait
the last time i saw you, remember i told you i cried? miss ck. miss hh.
always a miss..
i'm a sticky sticky web

today was esters bday. i love her. happy sixteenth!

this week should be busy.. and i am sleepy girl.
i live life in a weird unhealthy way
-- elle

i'll take your words and run

this isn't the first time i've wondered what i'm feeling exactly. i
think i need help but i never know why i need it. i think i want to cry
but i never know why i want to. and i finally found out.. all this time
i've been searching for a feeling that doesn't exist. i suppose i'm
numb. numb to any affection or love, numb to happiness or compassion.
maybe not completely but that's how it really feels. i feel as if i'm
selfish and i don't mind it. like i have to hate in order to find real
love again.it's like bricks resting on your chest and the pile is a
never ending one,you're just waiting for your lungs to finally crush.
it's so hard to find an escape or a way to cope but, somehow, i am. i'm
unhealthy in every way shape and form but i find tomorrow always comes
and it won't stop for me, for my hurt or suffering..

i'm tired of building strength from all the bullshit. i need myself more
than anything as a reminder that the future doesn't stop and it won't.
if i can make it through one day i can make it through another. i'm
losing so much of my life.. so fucking much..but i do it in order to
make it better for me. one day i won't be in this house, i'll be
someone, i'll have something to look forward to. this does not altar my
plans for my life. but it breaks my heart
-- elle

09

i'm actually in senior thesis right now but here is my schedule
1st - written media
2nd - music app
3rd - english 12 honors
4th - senior thesis
lunch...
5th - computersssss
6th - spanish 2 HAHAHA
7th - business math

overall, this is the best schedule ever. minus spanish but i have to
switch my computers class so.
this year is already amazing

-- elle