today was amazin!
went shopping with 2 fussing fucks got starbucks and did a bunch of
shopping.
bought these new sunglasses (yes,in winter) i am in love with.
waaaaayy too much makeup..
saw really neat drawings
had a huge panic attack while waiting in line
locked the keys in the car
got a gnarly new goodie
oh and this...

me: jxzsdfc a cute boy is here so i show my mom and he walks by but she
doesn't notice and while he does she's like.. SNIFF THESE PANTY LINERS.
DO THEY SMELL GOOD. and i'm like :|. mom. and then she sees the dude and
i was like i'm telling silva you're a horrible mother

silva: OklaKLAKDJADFGK I LOVE YOUR MOM OMG

today was magnificent

and for once it wasn't because i was looking for someone to make me feel
better. things are looking up..i would like to give thanks to my
vitamins they have officially saved my sanity!
what am i to you,what can i be to you
i look to your laughter and then after i repeat
after i repeat
i look to your laughter

meeee and my mom even if she was cute out of all 3 pics
and me with no makeup GOODNIGHT

it is sick how much i love my animal.

school tomorrow & so much snow! dont want to leave my house :(
i am forcing myself to stay awake but i have no creamer for my coffee
and i am being stubborn. i guess i have no choice but to drink shit
coffee and stay awake.
someone said something to me that made me realize how i am just
beginning my life
"it's not about what you want to do when you grow up anymore, it's about
how you're going to do it now"
i'm not "grown up" but fuck i hate making crazy decisions. i've thinking
about taking a year off, getting an apartment with mikey and a job..
saving up for some school next year since i have no money for anything
and no one wants to hand a chick with shit grades thousands of dollars.
i'd literally have to be a fucking genius and suck a lot of important
dick at this point.. but since i never show up to class and have no
interest in the male genitalia or.. any genitalia for that matter.. i'm
screwed

there's bound to be something out there for me. i'm not a druggie, i'm
not stupid, i dont have any children, i've never been in trouble with
the law.. god has to cut me some kind of fucking break right??????

jeeze oh petes

i want flowers underneath the ground to decorate the site

i'm going to be nineteen soon. soon it will be spring and even sooner
i'll be beginning my new semester in high school, my last semester. i'm
excited for it to be over. it feels like just another chapter in my life
i have to move on from. i'm not sure what i'll miss about it. i'll
probably miss my old history teacher, he always helped me out. most of
the time i didnt really deserve it. i'll miss seeing some of my friends
but the true ones i'll see with or without a school schedule. some of
these people i'll never see again. i'll be in my mid 20s maybe 30s
talking about how i had all of these different people in my life.

i wonder though..who's going to talk about me? is that all i will end up
being? a story in someones weird life. something you kind of miss but
can definitely live without? i wonder if i vanish.. would someone
actually miss me. i'm sure some people would be upset like my mom and my
close friends but who would really miss me? my mom has her boyfriend my
grandma has her virtual reality and my friends.. i always feel like they
have something better. i have the constant second place medal that i'm
so sick of showing off. i always feel second best.. always. i'm always
the one sitting on the back burner. and maybe it's my own fault for not
being forward or confident enough but it hurts. i feel like i'm in a
neverending competition with someone or something and sometimes.. i win
for a little while but it never does last.

i suppose that's the cause of my lonliness a lot of the time. being
"lonely" is something i've always learned to tolerate. i tell my
problems to paper.. or write them here. i get over it on my own terms,
with my own time. who needs to know?

i dont want to give up on myself. maybe there is something worth
pursuing in my future. not everything is given to me so easily, even
attention or love.. or feeling first in someones life. maybe none of it
comes easy to some people. this is just one hurt in my life that will
heal, and once i overcome it, it will make me a stronger person.

i could scream at the top of my lungs and the world would continue
turning. nothing would budge.
galaxies would curiously ask me "well, why can't you love"
why can't you love me back

hate will kill you

life.

there's so much shit involved that no one can prepare you for. words
never suffice for anything, i've learned that. and for some reason.. i
want to be a writer. the best writers make you feel something, writers
are supposed to have their words suffice. hmm..

i have shed so much of myself already this year. it feels good. i am
putting all of the bullshit in my life aside. feelings i have felt
before are slowly fading, creating something new for me to experience. i
am slowly learning to accept the things i cannot change and finding the
strength to fix the the things i can.. and knowing the difference. as
much as it hurts, the truth will always unfold. it's up to you to know
when to stay and when to get your shit together and walk away from
it..whatever it may be.

i lost a friend this weekend. she said some really shitty things
to/about me. and for a while.. i was angry with her. but it settled and
though we are no longer friends.. i am no longer angry. the energy it
takes to hold grudges drains you.. i hate nor regret anyone or anything.
all happens for a reason. it's only a mistake if you dont learn
something.

life is too short. i am selfish but... that is okay. i will never be
eighteen again. this is the time where i'm allowed to be selfish. if you
want a part of me, you may never get it. love is nothing to search for,
it's just something you stumble upon. i will never search for love. i
will not change myself nor settle.

i am in love with the future ahead.

tanya's baby shower.

heartbreaker

i'm sitting here in my grammas bed waiting to leave.
mikey joe and i are off to shanes
there will probably be a lot of booze and that'll be enough for mikey
and i to watch shane and joe trip on LSA... boyyyyohboyyyyy..
hotel party afterwards?? i dont even think i'll be coming home..

traces

this is the first time i've cried in a while. i'm so stressed my fuse is
so short and i scream as soon as it's tampered with. my skin feels like
it wants to peel off i dont want to cry i dont want to feel at all,
actually.
why do you want to remind me of something i never fucking had it hurts
me so badly. i'll never heal from what he's done i can only move forward
and accept that hell never really need a part of me, like i need him.
i wish i could fly and never come back

i'm in my music class haah i'm a dork

i think a piece of me is numb kind of like a callus or something. i
havent cried since i found about my grandma and her talking to him
again. it hurt me and scared me at the same time. how come everyone
chooses someone over me? my mom chooses her boyfriend as does my
grandma.. and yea. the list continues i guess. maybe that's why i love
mikey so much..he puts me first. it's nice to have that, no one wants to
always be second best.

i dont have a problem relying on myself i actualy like it. i won't lie
to myself or hurt myself purposely. i want the best for me. one day i'll
have it, i'm optimistic. fuck everyone who isnt. i've got a lot going
for me and some day maybe i'll share it with someone but not now. i have
no interest in anyone now i guess.. well one person but i'll always be
interested in her. i know it will never happen haha i tell myself that
all the time. pushing myself away is my what i do best so i can't get
hurt. these things i will work on... i'm not perfect but i like to think
that some day someone will think i am.