i want to start a separate blog for all of my writing.. i'm thinking
about it.
no more relaxation i want to see friends
i cook your brains
-- elle
tomorrow, if everything goes smoothly, im hanging with tyler, mikey,
heather and tyler's friend lauren at the etf show in grand rapids.
should be fun..
-- elle
we all make these personal resolutions but how often do we stick to
them? guilty. there is this girl, who will remain nameless, who has
inspired me and hopefully changed my mentality as a whole. i dont know
her, i've never met her, in all honesty, i dont sincerely know the first
true thing about her. but since last night, i have been reading through
her thoughts that she has posted on the internet and as vague and
irrelevant as they are to me, they have opened my eyes. they've opened
my eyes to what purity means, what dignity means, what self love and
devotion means. this girl has a mind so complex i wish everyone could
give just a few hours of their day to read what she has to say and it's
sad to know that not very many people care to see what she has to say.
it's also sad to know that if someone came to me asking me to check it
out i wouldn't give it a second thought.
this girl is religious and i've never considered myself to be. im not
saying she has convinced me to go to church or believe in god at all but
she has actual.. morals. not saying i dont either but they're so
amazing, she's amazing. i wish i had that independence, that type of
self control and stability with myself. that's what this is all about..
i want a change. it's more than losing weight or getting better grades
but making myself better all around. set my own expectations for
happiness instead of a 'congratulations'. i want to live freely instead
of suffer as a prisoner of myself. i want to change someone for the
better, like this particular girl has changed me. i want to be true to
myself and to others. i want more than this..
i dont want to be gold i dont want to be diamonds or beauty. i want to
succeed i want to love and find freedom. i want some kind of purity in
my life.. i dont need burdens. i need control, i have lost most of it. i
need motivation and the lack of shouldn't be my excuse every time. i
need strength - physically and mentally. i need to be real.. i need to
be healthy. no more lies or advertisements. i need to stay focused but
live when the time comes. i need to learn how to stop without someone
telling me enough is enough. i need to stop swearing so much i need to
stop being so judgemental. i need some originality, some type of true
self. my true colors want to be shown.
taking on myself is one of the hardest challenges someone can endure. i
feel that i am determined this time.. to become better. to not fail
anymore. to not live bare minimum. to give my heart but never regret if
given back to me in a million bloody fractions. accept, love, forgive,
and breathe. always remember to breathe. i plan to be at peace with
myself.. for however long this process takes. months, years.. i will
continue to prepare myself and give myself the option of success. i am
shedding my skin at this very moment, i am forgiving every simple and
generously sized sin. i am sorting my beliefs. i am living.
i hope i can reference back to this every time i feel like giving in. i
can do this, i will do this once and for all.. my heart is pounding so
hard. i've never felt this.. i dont remember the last time i made myself
happy enough to cry. i could get use to this.
-- elle
i usually dont have things like that to say to people.
yesterday consisted of playing on traintracks and drinking hot chocolate
with whipped cream at joes.
bre failed AGAIN.
at the drive in<3
night ended before midnight and i took britt back to my apartment with
meee
cuddles kisses and sleeps ending at 4am..woke up at 11 to do it all over
again.
i will miss this until it happens again.
stay mine
-- elle
