life. whether i remember it or not, i truly dont think i have. the
stories told about me, some i dont remember some i do and chose not to
talk about. my chest is still with holding secrets everyone wants to
know the truth about. no matter where you are, how far you run, your
mind will follow. you can make the best or worst of this. i believe i am
somewhere in between. your pain, your anger, your envy and lust is all
real. your denial will only bury you deeper within yourself, i have come
to find. i know i have faith but im having trouble remembering what
exactly it is that i have faith in. i will question this for years, i
presume but i dont feel that im alone when i do. when i feel loneliest
is only when i dont know myself. maybe i need time to myself. maybe i
can't love what i have now..maybe some things are best to let go of.
love can set you free but can you set free love? at this very moment i
am angry with myself. im working below such a potential. how wasteful of
me.
we all make these personal resolutions but how often do we stick to
them? guilty. there is this girl, who will remain nameless, who has
inspired me and hopefully changed my mentality as a whole. i dont know
her, i've never met her, in all honesty, i dont sincerely know the first
true thing about her. but since last night, i have been reading through
her thoughts that she has posted on the internet and as vague and
irrelevant as they are to me, they have opened my eyes. they've opened
my eyes to what purity means, what dignity means, what self love and
devotion means. this girl has a mind so complex i wish everyone could
give just a few hours of their day to read what she has to say and it's
sad to know that not very many people care to see what she has to say.
it's also sad to know that if someone came to me asking me to check it
out i wouldn't give it a second thought.
this girl is religious and i've never considered myself to be. im not
saying she has convinced me to go to church or believe in god at all but
she has actual.. morals. not saying i dont either but they're so
amazing, she's amazing. i wish i had that independence, that type of
self control and stability with myself. that's what this is all about..
i want a change. it's more than losing weight or getting better grades
but making myself better all around. set my own expectations for
happiness instead of a 'congratulations'. i want to live freely instead
of suffer as a prisoner of myself. i want to change someone for the
better, like this particular girl has changed me. i want to be true to
myself and to others. i want more than this..
i dont want to be gold i dont want to be diamonds or beauty. i want to
succeed i want to love and find freedom. i want some kind of purity in
my life.. i dont need burdens. i need control, i have lost most of it. i
need motivation and the lack of shouldn't be my excuse every time. i
need strength - physically and mentally. i need to be real.. i need to
be healthy. no more lies or advertisements. i need to stay focused but
live when the time comes. i need to learn how to stop without someone
telling me enough is enough. i need to stop swearing so much i need to
stop being so judgemental. i need some originality, some type of true
self. my true colors want to be shown.
taking on myself is one of the hardest challenges someone can endure. i
feel that i am determined this time.. to become better. to not fail
anymore. to not live bare minimum. to give my heart but never regret if
given back to me in a million bloody fractions. accept, love, forgive,
and breathe. always remember to breathe. i plan to be at peace with
myself.. for however long this process takes. months, years.. i will
continue to prepare myself and give myself the option of success. i am
shedding my skin at this very moment, i am forgiving every simple and
generously sized sin. i am sorting my beliefs. i am living.
i hope i can reference back to this every time i feel like giving in. i
can do this, i will do this once and for all.. my heart is pounding so
hard. i've never felt this.. i dont remember the last time i made myself
happy enough to cry. i could get use to this.
-- elle
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