medicinal shmedicinal

this rashlike disease
head to toe in insecurities
termites embarking on the inside
im alive when im alone
a work of art in shattered mirrors
hung under broken bulbs at midnight hours
liveliness sank its lancinating teeth into my limbs
wildfire ever since
eyes involuntarily aged..induced by medication
dissatisfaction and restless nights of indecision
is this battle against my racked mind worth the loss
numb tongue over the countless disappointment
and misdiagnosis
i hide under my sleeves so you can't ask me
inquiries that sound oh so familiar
I've got ten million answers and not enough strategy
fuck it, someone hand my dignity back to me, I've gotta start heading
home.
<3

my birthday is tomorow.

before today i believed i lived in neverland but then i realized in
neverland id never be alone.
i think its pathetic when people feel sorry for themselves and here i
am...population: 1 at this pity party.
its a proven fact that just being yourself never gets you anywhere.it
doesn't really end up like it does in movies...the outcast getting the
last laugh. its a bunch of bullshit everyone likes to eat up to gain
some sense of hope cause in reality no one cares if you're being
yourself or not.
i always thought if i lived alone, id be happier. i could solve all of
my problems and become a better person. I've quickly learned the only
problem lies within myself and now im forced to suffocate from it.

im cut out of pictures since my feelings won't get hurt
im pushed aside cause i wont care
i told you it was fine
i told you im okay

my heart is going to grow until it bursts. my inability to give a shit.

i wish i had the will to pretend to be someone you wanna love. id be
picture perfect and have the finest skin so that no one could decipher
the scars.

but i am just me

party has no sympathy, only a rush, giving you a run for your pulse.
<3

heartbomb.

it puzzles me how in one aspect of my life i'm so happy while in another
i'm a mess. there's the breaking point where i want to stop completely
but my heart beat keeps telling me to give just the bare minimum, at
least for now..give something. that's why i only give so little, the
rest of me is built on destruction. i only have so much to give..my mind
is running on what i can get by with..barely. it kills me..day by day
knowing i don't have the strength. knowing that i can't stand myself,
let alone, someone else having the ability to stand me. i ask myself a
million times a day 'why would SHE want ME?'. but i've never asked
her...because i'm afraid of the answer. how can i let someone love me
when i can't even love myself. and i keep saying i'll try so hard but it
never happens. what the fuck has to happen to me in order for me to get
the fuck up and stop complaining, actually do something in order to
begin to build self confidence? i'm a wreck but only i have made myself
this way...and only i can reverse it. i just need..anyone everyone
someone..to understand..even when i can't. it may be
impossible..completely impossible..but i've got a lot of hope left in
me.

just hold my hand and tell me you'll still be by my side in the end.
-- ellevira

random pic post

-- ellevira

don't remember much about last night..

but i found this in my phone
-- ellevira

i missed my broooo haha

-- ellevira

cool beans

hung out with the bro today in my apartment
lots of stupid pics and us laughing like fools
and check out my jack skellington and panda rug! so cutee
and the view from my balcony
i live across the street from a cemetery dopeee
-- ellevira

i'm deleting all of my old entries and i don't care what they mean to me

i don't know a fucking thing.
with lighters set flames to these petals until all but the center
dissolves into the soil. i am what is left..diffident and insecure.
termites that fine dine on organs and heartache
take your mind off of a throbbing pulse, bewildered bruises..scars
scarred over over time.
or you could be like me with an awful nail gun memory
and not in the sense that i am amnesic
this barrel is simply filled with a shitty supply of rust
my brain shouldn't suffer the aged damage
unbeknownst, it hurts twice as much

she's talking to me like a child
urges me to dig my nails into my cheeks and drag
and
drag
and
drag
and
drag
aaaaand draaaaaaaaaaaaaaagdragdragdrag
i waste your time in a way that appears meaningful for a while
a while has actually lasted longer than i thought it would
but time is up..push out and push forth
new doors & new floors
but never new serenity
i cut myself open to taste the oxygen differently and i never bled
patch me up in colored clatter, i'm a frame of the same face i was when
i was born. except i have gotten worse and you know that. you know it
for a fact i am a definition in your writing..a published piece that you
would love for a little bit. until smething better comes along to suit
you well and play your roles and hate you more than you hate yourself
but if they don't speak, what harm could that do?
you're not used to me
i pinpoint and rip apart
i am a void in the eye of a storm that you've never acknowledge
even i don't know what i mean

and this boy i know keeps me sane. and i don't know the first thing
about me..but i'd like to hold his hand until we get sick of each other

kill a butterfly,set a moth free

if you would've asked me a few years ago if my friends and family would
ever betray me, i'd never dream of this scenario. i suppose i could be
selfish, like i'm told that i am. selfish for wanting the attention,
wanting everyones world to revolve around me and my needs. but i
actually fear attention, and fear the suffocation. nothing i say will
change minds that have been made but i don't think i'll ever shut up. i
used to but don't expect me to anymore. but now it's so easy to crack me
but i'm not broken. i'm alive in the sense that i want to be, in the
worst way. i want to be proven wrong..

your self destruction weighs heavy on my heart. you've welcomed the
darkest shade of fate with open arms, i have no memory of anything more.
it never leaves. it's in my shadow that camouflages but never really
disappears. you are the scars on my canvas that never did fade
completely. and they're here to remind me of the hours i lay
contemplating whether i should press deeper. if you love me enough to
save me...

it's 7 years later and i still haven't received an answer.

i realize i am the transparent ghost you've grown a fondness to, i'll
let you sleep soundless through the night. come morning, ties will be
mended and my smile is genuine.

maybe i am broken
but feel like the vas that you never heard hit the floor. it never
really mattered enough.

i just shit my pants

what up 69

drawings.
nomnoms.
i sang today haah and people made me all red and nervous. i'm so nervous
about my voice, especially when i'm singing solo. i know it's good but i
think i'm afraid at being at something

i have never felt so fucking dead on the inside and i can't help myself
this time

YOU BITCH. YOU BIG BITCH.

i need to replay last night in my head for my sake..but mostly mikeys
cause he forgot

my cousin and i go to the liquor store and buy absolut and a bunch of
smirnoff..come to find out we got ICE instead of VODKA. so we went back
and god 2 bottles of smirnoff vodka plus all the smirnoff ice fuckkk...
i get there and it's britt and juan already buzzed off of corona (which
is disgusttttinggg). we waited for hell and ever for mikey and ashley to
get there. so they finally came and i think we got right to drinking.
juan put a gross chip in my mouth then got it out haha he was trying to
be all sexy but it grossed me out cause i hate bbq chips.
i mixed my drinks with the absolut,smirnoff and cranberry juice it was
strong but good..it got me pretty buzzed not really enough so..ashley or
SMASHLEY became my shot buddy and we did like...6 or 7 shots of absolut
it fucked us uuup.
juan and britt were so fucked up. juan kept saying YOU BITCH every time
a drink was spilled even though it was his fault..nonetheless it was
great.
then joel and a bunch of his friends came. by that time we were all
drunk off our asses i couldn't stand up straight i fell
everywhereeee..and i think i sprain my arm:(
i remember a lot of making out and a lot of people woke up with
hickeys.
at one point i was literally soaked in drinks cause the floor was so wet
with shit and i got it spilled on me a million times
i finally barfed and it was gnarrrrrrrly!!
i still wanted more shots so i told britt to bring me and ash one but
she put water in it instead that biiiitch..
i fell asleep on the floor outside my friends door in a corner..then
woke up and crawled and fell asleep again on the floor next to the couch
at around 5ish

NOW. SATURDAY MORNING.
we all wake up at around 10 and so were all still kinda drunk..there are
bottles and cups everywhere..the absolut bottle is like..next to my head
and juan drinks the rest of it. mikey and juan start drinking all over
again and i'm like wtf dudeeee. they end up getting smashed AGAIN and
start making out while i'm laying down in juans bed they're legit on top
of me. so i leave and they stay in there...well lets just say we heard a
lot of moans and 'i wanna give you head so bad' PRICELESSSSSSSSS
then they got locked in..i have a video of juan screaming hahaha
holyshit

last night was a wreckkk..i've seen pictures and i don't remember any of
them.

and hahah omg my away messages were ridiculous i had no idea what i was
saying...
--elleinwonderland

LOVE HIM.

my flounderrrrrrrr<3
--elleinwonderland