i miss you so much it's sick.
i never thought i could miss someone i haven't talked to in so long and it feels like it never went away like i thought it would.
isn't time suppose to heal all wounds? it hasn't thus far.
i know you want no part of me and i think i can understand why.
you're so quick to want to forget your past but know that your past hasn't forgotten you. maybe i'm not the greatest memory of yours.
and it's strange that many times you told me you thought i saw you as inequivalent, not as significant as i said. and yet, i'm the one still chasing after you, i always have been.
maybe one day i can finally forget, like you have forgotten me. but i still miss you.
i will get the good part of me back.
it has been raining a lot for it to be june. in the beginning, i loved it. now it's just becoming depressing.
i'm already getting happy birthday comments. it gets me a little more excited. 6 more days until legality!
i got 50 dollars in the mail from this fuckhead guy.. screw him, who wants to go blow it on bullshit with me tomorrow?
my mind is starting to pull at itself again. i'm in the center of a city that is selling souls like coke and trading hearts for bruises.
a territory of dead saints and every hand out is one that screams fuck you. these sidewalks were built to crumble and these skies were given as paintings to the hopeful.
the blind has better eyes than any of these low life motherfuckers.
saturday is a free show at joe's in dearborn (i think). mostly, if not all, the bands there are hardcore bands.. it should be fun, i don't expect many people but who knows.
it's always insane when you have the dudes i hang with.
wake the dead hour.
and this......
have you ever felt like you've lost your mind?when one good friend is so hard to findwhen the walls, the ceiling, the windows and the floornothing screams to you as loud as the door?because out is the only way to goall those lonely nights man, i've been there toocan i stand it? when i'm lostand the future is just a fucking blurcan i stand it? when i'm hurtand the days just get darker and darkeri'll stand it. through the roughif it means my mind will gain some strengthi'll stand it. like a statuewho's face is looking towards tomorrowbut sometimes it feels like it's just too muchthe clashing in my head, it's just too muchthe constant falling down, it's just too muchbut we've been dwelling in these graves, far too longtake a breath, reawake, call forth the dread in your waysubdue, prevail, triumph over every fucking dayto persevere through iswhat counts is that we struggle to find thestrength in our hearts to make the daysthis is the hardest breath, that we can fucking breatheis that we struggle to find the peacethat exists within our hearts
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
not the christmas ham
today was one of the best days i've had in a while and one of the weirdest as well.
estef and mikey came by, two people i was really excited to see. we hung out on my porch for a while before mikey had to leave and estef went up to see my new apartment and was the first person besides me to use the bathroom haha. love her. we talked for a while.. about deep things, things i don't usually talk about with people. but there was a good energy about it. we learn a little more about each other each day. i think it's a vigorous friendship, she's probably one of the most, if not THE most, loyal people i have ever met in my life. she is the kind of friend who will stick by you no matter what, stick up for you no matter what the cost.. i can honestly say i have never met another person like her, it's astounding. i never even knew someone like that existed. she's the only person who knew how i felt when everyone thought i was completely fine, the only one... it's illusory. i love her to death.
and then i learn more..i know a girl, a friend of mine. you put her through things you shouldn't put a person through. you're a fake, you're a snake.
one day i hope she realizes what you are and maybe when she sucks out the poison from her life.. you'll finally disappear. i can only hope..
she deserves what you lack. sketchy scum fuck.
but tonight took my mind off of how pitiable/crazy/idiotic people have the propensity to be..
mikey can over at around 2:30am out of nowhere. he tends to do that, he's a spurofthemoment type of kid.
there haven't been many people in my life like him.. it's different for me, he lets me be myself.
he was tipsy..and high i think too. shit like that doesn't matter nor bother me. do what you want, you have one life to live. live it to the fullest, have no regrets when you're on your deathbed.
we sat on my steps. ate tamales.. talked shit haha.
i have the biggest mickey mouse shirt on ever. it's my favorite, including all of the rips in odd places.
we went across the street to the cemetery.. and ran back in the street as weird walking zombies. cars loved it. i was sidekicking it with silva the whole time.. mikey ended up chasing me into my yard and grabbed me up. eaten by a zombie!!
He left bruises on my arms
i kept jumping out behind the tree and screaming at cars.. dancing in the street.... lying in the street..
mikey almost got run over<3
666 is all over my sidewalk in orange writing.
stupid teenagers, when will we ever fucking learn.
i needed this. i needed to be around people who do appreciate me. not saying that the rest of my friends don't, but it's nice to see those who do. my cheeks are red and i'm more alive than i think i am. my heart is young, so is my head. i am under the influence of ignorance and i am loving every fucking second of it. i am finding who i am.
i have no charger which means i have no phone
i lost my other lip ring and it's also nowhere to be found..
birthday is in 1 week, new phone in 4 days
have fun in LA/disneyland silva!! send all the nudes to me. don't steal and call me crying. PUSSY.
xo the one who never sleeps
estef and mikey came by, two people i was really excited to see. we hung out on my porch for a while before mikey had to leave and estef went up to see my new apartment and was the first person besides me to use the bathroom haha. love her. we talked for a while.. about deep things, things i don't usually talk about with people. but there was a good energy about it. we learn a little more about each other each day. i think it's a vigorous friendship, she's probably one of the most, if not THE most, loyal people i have ever met in my life. she is the kind of friend who will stick by you no matter what, stick up for you no matter what the cost.. i can honestly say i have never met another person like her, it's astounding. i never even knew someone like that existed. she's the only person who knew how i felt when everyone thought i was completely fine, the only one... it's illusory. i love her to death.
and then i learn more..i know a girl, a friend of mine. you put her through things you shouldn't put a person through. you're a fake, you're a snake.
one day i hope she realizes what you are and maybe when she sucks out the poison from her life.. you'll finally disappear. i can only hope..
she deserves what you lack. sketchy scum fuck.
but tonight took my mind off of how pitiable/crazy/idiotic people have the propensity to be..
mikey can over at around 2:30am out of nowhere. he tends to do that, he's a spurofthemoment type of kid.
there haven't been many people in my life like him.. it's different for me, he lets me be myself.
he was tipsy..and high i think too. shit like that doesn't matter nor bother me. do what you want, you have one life to live. live it to the fullest, have no regrets when you're on your deathbed.
we sat on my steps. ate tamales.. talked shit haha.
i have the biggest mickey mouse shirt on ever. it's my favorite, including all of the rips in odd places.
we went across the street to the cemetery.. and ran back in the street as weird walking zombies. cars loved it. i was sidekicking it with silva the whole time.. mikey ended up chasing me into my yard and grabbed me up. eaten by a zombie!!
He left bruises on my arms
i kept jumping out behind the tree and screaming at cars.. dancing in the street.... lying in the street..
mikey almost got run over<3
666 is all over my sidewalk in orange writing.
stupid teenagers, when will we ever fucking learn.
i needed this. i needed to be around people who do appreciate me. not saying that the rest of my friends don't, but it's nice to see those who do. my cheeks are red and i'm more alive than i think i am. my heart is young, so is my head. i am under the influence of ignorance and i am loving every fucking second of it. i am finding who i am.
i have no charger which means i have no phone
i lost my other lip ring and it's also nowhere to be found..
birthday is in 1 week, new phone in 4 days
have fun in LA/disneyland silva!! send all the nudes to me. don't steal and call me crying. PUSSY.
xo the one who never sleeps
Monday, June 23, 2008
psychophobia.
Weird dreams.
I’ve always had nightmares, since I was a kid. Of course, everyone has them. I would sleep walk a lot to, which freaked me out even more. I once tried to jump out of a window, from what my cousin tells me but I don’t remember much of that. I would have this same nightmare every night because of everything I was encountering at such a young age. I eventually found a remedy for this, it’s a little embarrassing but it worked. The nightmares are coming back and it’s obvious as to why. Once again, I’m afraid. It’s like I have no protection over myself, or my family.
My childhood was also brought up today and I’ve never been so quiet in my life. All of these things happened to me when I was a kid and everyone remembers them and they ask me ‘do you remember that?’ and I tell them no because I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want them to look at me and pity me for what I had been through. I have never once admitted, to anyone, that I remember most of the shit that had gone on in my childhood. This is the only time I have acknowledged the fact that I do remember. I remember more than what they know, what they’ve been told. I don’t plan on talking or admitting to it with anyone, ever in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to come forth and tell the whole truth, the truth no one knows but me and the ignorance that was present. Maybe I will meet someone who I can confide in as much as I confide in myself. This hasn’t happened to me yet and I don’t expect it to. I am neither broken nor torn; I am accepting and willing to move forward.
And yet, sometimes I hate to grow.
The little girl outside looks just like me when I was young… I wonder how fucked her life will turn out to be.
I’ve always had nightmares, since I was a kid. Of course, everyone has them. I would sleep walk a lot to, which freaked me out even more. I once tried to jump out of a window, from what my cousin tells me but I don’t remember much of that. I would have this same nightmare every night because of everything I was encountering at such a young age. I eventually found a remedy for this, it’s a little embarrassing but it worked. The nightmares are coming back and it’s obvious as to why. Once again, I’m afraid. It’s like I have no protection over myself, or my family.
My childhood was also brought up today and I’ve never been so quiet in my life. All of these things happened to me when I was a kid and everyone remembers them and they ask me ‘do you remember that?’ and I tell them no because I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want them to look at me and pity me for what I had been through. I have never once admitted, to anyone, that I remember most of the shit that had gone on in my childhood. This is the only time I have acknowledged the fact that I do remember. I remember more than what they know, what they’ve been told. I don’t plan on talking or admitting to it with anyone, ever in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to come forth and tell the whole truth, the truth no one knows but me and the ignorance that was present. Maybe I will meet someone who I can confide in as much as I confide in myself. This hasn’t happened to me yet and I don’t expect it to. I am neither broken nor torn; I am accepting and willing to move forward.
And yet, sometimes I hate to grow.
The little girl outside looks just like me when I was young… I wonder how fucked her life will turn out to be.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
construe15
i just woke up, my bedhead is at its worst.
my doggie is getting healthier and the antibiotics seem to be working alright. weird how i can become so attached to something, like a kid. i know he's old and probably won't be around much longer, but i know it'll kill me. even when you don't want to be a part of something, you are.
i'm getting sick too but i blame my phobia of the hospital for always being sick. i don't know why i'm so afraid and why every time i go i have to receive shots because i freak out. i'm not afraid of needles, that's for sure, so i don't understand what it could be. at first, i thought it was the fact that all of the attention is put on me but i think that's a little too vague. i think it's that every time someone goes to the doctors, they search for flaws. it's not the attention that suffocates me, it's the negative attention. it's my self esteem that despises hospitals. i wish i could overcome this and it seems silly, but it's nothing i have the ability to control at the moment.
today is three years since the death of my great grandma. it's difficult to sit back and watch my family, especially my grandma, cry about it. she is one of the strongest people i know but i know it's rough for her, it would be rough for anyone. it has made me reflect onto my relationship with my mother, whom i haven't seen in about a week. i don't necessarily want to be away but i know i can't stay around her. there are some features you just can't change and it's too late to try to change them, that's what everyone tells me. i know it isn't but when you are dealt the cards of a lost cause all you can do is accept and make the best of them.
i want to be a support system when i know i just need to let go of some things. my heart is a giant.. i wish that wasn't a flaw in this world.
writing helps clear my head of things. i keep trying to write this 'book' but i can't seem to get past the first chapter. i don't even want it to be a protracted story, just sort of short, yet thought provoking. oddly enough, my inspiration came from the novel Frankenstein. maybe you can get an idea.. here are a few paragraphs from it
These black strips of asphalt are dead ends. A sunset dips beneath sheets of a bold horizon each evening facing the ample eyes of the hopeful, naïve, and corrupted. Hungered, vacant bodies obstinately masticate apprehension, sightless to a progressing ruin of the loam beneath their tiny feet. Time is merely present for the passing, in attendance for the consumption of the future into an imperceptible void, befalling an assemblage of captive reminiscences as a momentary crown to be positioned on a substantial craving. Panic is as common as oxygen, paranoia as stable as blood flow, swimming through streams of their temperate vitality. Faith is gradually becoming a crucial fact, corrupting sacred strings of ancestry. Every incidence mustn’t lack witness, every particle must encompass a reason or the being is deficient. Society is an unsullied carcass and they are the wolves pleasing centuries of time to approach this strict moment, relishing every final savor of death in the cavities of their putrid teeth and buds of their swollen tongues, still gnawing on the deteriorating skeleton. It’s a perfect subjection to gluttony.
I am the seed of a monster. I evoke the toxic cursing coils of fists, blood, veins, teeth, nails, feet, and tongues; craving to paw oily prints against defenseless sheets; my only armor. A girl who screamed was a girl to execute and, for this, my knowledge had been granted reluctantly early; forced to a father whose hands were born as thieves, assembling violently the inheritance of virtuous innocence. What can be broken will be broken, exclusive of the nuisance of fractures. Accumulating my petite elements of mentality off of my youthful floorboards is the imaginary purpose of the soul in the passenger seat beside me.
i am aware that it needs a lot of work, so far. it's difficult to write because though it isn't about me, or doesn't involve many occurrences that have happened in my own life, i want some of my own raw emotions to be interpreted into it. it brings me back to my childhood a lot, being at the hands of an abusive, alcoholic man. i don't want to get too deep into it, today is painful enough as it is. i know that i have grown from these experiences, even the most atrocious. now i feel the need to express myself in a gift i have been given.. whether there is a god or not. i don't think or talk about religion much, to anyone. i suppose it's a personal matter.
i have mellowed out, i am calm. now i need to work on being tranquil with others who feel the need to tamper with my temperature. i haven't a working compass, forgive me. feel the dirt beneath your feet suit you, your roots are growing thicker as are mine. nothing or no one can take the keep of home away from who you are and it will be what fate molds you to become. i am afraid for the weak.
here i have heard too many things, said too much, hoped too far. give me something to really love for..
i wake in the bed of a simple realism. i endure the demons, i understand them. there is room for the flavor of someone else in everyone's mouth but there are too many weak stomachs to uphold this.
my apartment is silent and i am unaccompanied. for once i don't feel the need to finally scream in the slightest chance that someone will hear me
xo freebird.
my doggie is getting healthier and the antibiotics seem to be working alright. weird how i can become so attached to something, like a kid. i know he's old and probably won't be around much longer, but i know it'll kill me. even when you don't want to be a part of something, you are.
i'm getting sick too but i blame my phobia of the hospital for always being sick. i don't know why i'm so afraid and why every time i go i have to receive shots because i freak out. i'm not afraid of needles, that's for sure, so i don't understand what it could be. at first, i thought it was the fact that all of the attention is put on me but i think that's a little too vague. i think it's that every time someone goes to the doctors, they search for flaws. it's not the attention that suffocates me, it's the negative attention. it's my self esteem that despises hospitals. i wish i could overcome this and it seems silly, but it's nothing i have the ability to control at the moment.
today is three years since the death of my great grandma. it's difficult to sit back and watch my family, especially my grandma, cry about it. she is one of the strongest people i know but i know it's rough for her, it would be rough for anyone. it has made me reflect onto my relationship with my mother, whom i haven't seen in about a week. i don't necessarily want to be away but i know i can't stay around her. there are some features you just can't change and it's too late to try to change them, that's what everyone tells me. i know it isn't but when you are dealt the cards of a lost cause all you can do is accept and make the best of them.
i want to be a support system when i know i just need to let go of some things. my heart is a giant.. i wish that wasn't a flaw in this world.
writing helps clear my head of things. i keep trying to write this 'book' but i can't seem to get past the first chapter. i don't even want it to be a protracted story, just sort of short, yet thought provoking. oddly enough, my inspiration came from the novel Frankenstein. maybe you can get an idea.. here are a few paragraphs from it
These black strips of asphalt are dead ends. A sunset dips beneath sheets of a bold horizon each evening facing the ample eyes of the hopeful, naïve, and corrupted. Hungered, vacant bodies obstinately masticate apprehension, sightless to a progressing ruin of the loam beneath their tiny feet. Time is merely present for the passing, in attendance for the consumption of the future into an imperceptible void, befalling an assemblage of captive reminiscences as a momentary crown to be positioned on a substantial craving. Panic is as common as oxygen, paranoia as stable as blood flow, swimming through streams of their temperate vitality. Faith is gradually becoming a crucial fact, corrupting sacred strings of ancestry. Every incidence mustn’t lack witness, every particle must encompass a reason or the being is deficient. Society is an unsullied carcass and they are the wolves pleasing centuries of time to approach this strict moment, relishing every final savor of death in the cavities of their putrid teeth and buds of their swollen tongues, still gnawing on the deteriorating skeleton. It’s a perfect subjection to gluttony.
I am the seed of a monster. I evoke the toxic cursing coils of fists, blood, veins, teeth, nails, feet, and tongues; craving to paw oily prints against defenseless sheets; my only armor. A girl who screamed was a girl to execute and, for this, my knowledge had been granted reluctantly early; forced to a father whose hands were born as thieves, assembling violently the inheritance of virtuous innocence. What can be broken will be broken, exclusive of the nuisance of fractures. Accumulating my petite elements of mentality off of my youthful floorboards is the imaginary purpose of the soul in the passenger seat beside me.
i am aware that it needs a lot of work, so far. it's difficult to write because though it isn't about me, or doesn't involve many occurrences that have happened in my own life, i want some of my own raw emotions to be interpreted into it. it brings me back to my childhood a lot, being at the hands of an abusive, alcoholic man. i don't want to get too deep into it, today is painful enough as it is. i know that i have grown from these experiences, even the most atrocious. now i feel the need to express myself in a gift i have been given.. whether there is a god or not. i don't think or talk about religion much, to anyone. i suppose it's a personal matter.
i have mellowed out, i am calm. now i need to work on being tranquil with others who feel the need to tamper with my temperature. i haven't a working compass, forgive me. feel the dirt beneath your feet suit you, your roots are growing thicker as are mine. nothing or no one can take the keep of home away from who you are and it will be what fate molds you to become. i am afraid for the weak.
here i have heard too many things, said too much, hoped too far. give me something to really love for..
i wake in the bed of a simple realism. i endure the demons, i understand them. there is room for the flavor of someone else in everyone's mouth but there are too many weak stomachs to uphold this.
my apartment is silent and i am unaccompanied. for once i don't feel the need to finally scream in the slightest chance that someone will hear me
xo freebird.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
where do i apply?
there are hooks in my fingernails tied to strings that suffer bricks. it's possible to move but the pain is something impossible to bear. for a blade you say is too dull to snap the carry on, it sure does make a good gash in my chest. i know that one day you'll let me be and maybe it is too soon or maybe you realize it's too late to keep me anymore.
i can be unattainable. i can be a cling. maybe one day i will suffocate everything my hearts greeds but, for now, it's hard to breathe. i think that's okay, though. i need a part of me to hurt, to subsist, for once in my existence.
my perception is a reliance now. i'm ready to face what you can't see. i've grown, maybe it's just a little, but i know i have. my immaturity still obtains the best of me but it's a healthy type. i need to learn to let go, i need to learn to be an animated statue. take all of the good and embrace it. i wish the rest of the world had this type of strength that i know i do.
my birthday is in 2 weeks and i'm ready. i'm a typical teenager, ready to grow up but i am ready for the responsibility... i think.
i may be in way over my head but it feels like i need to be. learn what you can while you can, all of your knowledge isn't placed in books. open your eyes for once and maybe you'll really see the fucked up world. have a dream but never believe you're living it. there's always a catch. don't have distractions, be the distraction and be real.
i am at peace with myself. i can't remember the last time i felt this way.
respect me, i live for it and i will respect you.
june 20 - today marks the first day of summer. though i'm not excited for the heat, i'm anxious for more of it. and, like any other summer i've encountered, by the end of this season things will change for me. i'm more optimistic than afraid.
and here it starts.
you're a liar but you don't mean to be. you're not as old as you think you are in your head. that hypochondriac deserves you and i don't know if i'm being an asshole or if i'm just right. you wish too hard to be someone else when you could be happy right where you are. take your pills, take your drugs and try your hardest to kill yourself faster.. isn't that the 'in' thing to do these days? correct me if i'm wrong. know i tried, know i felt, know i could have fixed a lot of the bullshit.
a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to tell you this.
my fuse is still short, my skin can still crawl, my words can still hurt. i'm full of love but don't fuck with me.
kickrocksmikey: ahahahahaahahahahah i love us
deathsearchparty: WHO
kickrocksmikey: US
deathsearchparty: i love us too
mineminemine
xoE.
i can be unattainable. i can be a cling. maybe one day i will suffocate everything my hearts greeds but, for now, it's hard to breathe. i think that's okay, though. i need a part of me to hurt, to subsist, for once in my existence.
my perception is a reliance now. i'm ready to face what you can't see. i've grown, maybe it's just a little, but i know i have. my immaturity still obtains the best of me but it's a healthy type. i need to learn to let go, i need to learn to be an animated statue. take all of the good and embrace it. i wish the rest of the world had this type of strength that i know i do.
my birthday is in 2 weeks and i'm ready. i'm a typical teenager, ready to grow up but i am ready for the responsibility... i think.
i may be in way over my head but it feels like i need to be. learn what you can while you can, all of your knowledge isn't placed in books. open your eyes for once and maybe you'll really see the fucked up world. have a dream but never believe you're living it. there's always a catch. don't have distractions, be the distraction and be real.
i am at peace with myself. i can't remember the last time i felt this way.
respect me, i live for it and i will respect you.
june 20 - today marks the first day of summer. though i'm not excited for the heat, i'm anxious for more of it. and, like any other summer i've encountered, by the end of this season things will change for me. i'm more optimistic than afraid.
and here it starts.
you're a liar but you don't mean to be. you're not as old as you think you are in your head. that hypochondriac deserves you and i don't know if i'm being an asshole or if i'm just right. you wish too hard to be someone else when you could be happy right where you are. take your pills, take your drugs and try your hardest to kill yourself faster.. isn't that the 'in' thing to do these days? correct me if i'm wrong. know i tried, know i felt, know i could have fixed a lot of the bullshit.
a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to tell you this.
my fuse is still short, my skin can still crawl, my words can still hurt. i'm full of love but don't fuck with me.
kickrocksmikey: ahahahahaahahahahah i love us
deathsearchparty: WHO
kickrocksmikey: US
deathsearchparty: i love us too
mineminemine
xoE.
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