psychophobia.

Weird dreams.
I’ve always had nightmares, since I was a kid. Of course, everyone has them. I would sleep walk a lot to, which freaked me out even more. I once tried to jump out of a window, from what my cousin tells me but I don’t remember much of that. I would have this same nightmare every night because of everything I was encountering at such a young age. I eventually found a remedy for this, it’s a little embarrassing but it worked. The nightmares are coming back and it’s obvious as to why. Once again, I’m afraid. It’s like I have no protection over myself, or my family.

My childhood was also brought up today and I’ve never been so quiet in my life. All of these things happened to me when I was a kid and everyone remembers them and they ask me ‘do you remember that?’ and I tell them no because I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want them to look at me and pity me for what I had been through. I have never once admitted, to anyone, that I remember most of the shit that had gone on in my childhood. This is the only time I have acknowledged the fact that I do remember. I remember more than what they know, what they’ve been told. I don’t plan on talking or admitting to it with anyone, ever in my life. Maybe one day I will be able to come forth and tell the whole truth, the truth no one knows but me and the ignorance that was present. Maybe I will meet someone who I can confide in as much as I confide in myself. This hasn’t happened to me yet and I don’t expect it to. I am neither broken nor torn; I am accepting and willing to move forward.

And yet, sometimes I hate to grow.
The little girl outside looks just like me when I was young… I wonder how fucked her life will turn out to be.