i want flowers underneath the ground to decorate the site

i'm going to be nineteen soon. soon it will be spring and even sooner
i'll be beginning my new semester in high school, my last semester. i'm
excited for it to be over. it feels like just another chapter in my life
i have to move on from. i'm not sure what i'll miss about it. i'll
probably miss my old history teacher, he always helped me out. most of
the time i didnt really deserve it. i'll miss seeing some of my friends
but the true ones i'll see with or without a school schedule. some of
these people i'll never see again. i'll be in my mid 20s maybe 30s
talking about how i had all of these different people in my life.

i wonder though..who's going to talk about me? is that all i will end up
being? a story in someones weird life. something you kind of miss but
can definitely live without? i wonder if i vanish.. would someone
actually miss me. i'm sure some people would be upset like my mom and my
close friends but who would really miss me? my mom has her boyfriend my
grandma has her virtual reality and my friends.. i always feel like they
have something better. i have the constant second place medal that i'm
so sick of showing off. i always feel second best.. always. i'm always
the one sitting on the back burner. and maybe it's my own fault for not
being forward or confident enough but it hurts. i feel like i'm in a
neverending competition with someone or something and sometimes.. i win
for a little while but it never does last.

i suppose that's the cause of my lonliness a lot of the time. being
"lonely" is something i've always learned to tolerate. i tell my
problems to paper.. or write them here. i get over it on my own terms,
with my own time. who needs to know?

i dont want to give up on myself. maybe there is something worth
pursuing in my future. not everything is given to me so easily, even
attention or love.. or feeling first in someones life. maybe none of it
comes easy to some people. this is just one hurt in my life that will
heal, and once i overcome it, it will make me a stronger person.

i could scream at the top of my lungs and the world would continue
turning. nothing would budge.
galaxies would curiously ask me "well, why can't you love"
why can't you love me back