i'll take your words and run

this isn't the first time i've wondered what i'm feeling exactly. i
think i need help but i never know why i need it. i think i want to cry
but i never know why i want to. and i finally found out.. all this time
i've been searching for a feeling that doesn't exist. i suppose i'm
numb. numb to any affection or love, numb to happiness or compassion.
maybe not completely but that's how it really feels. i feel as if i'm
selfish and i don't mind it. like i have to hate in order to find real
love again.it's like bricks resting on your chest and the pile is a
never ending one,you're just waiting for your lungs to finally crush.
it's so hard to find an escape or a way to cope but, somehow, i am. i'm
unhealthy in every way shape and form but i find tomorrow always comes
and it won't stop for me, for my hurt or suffering..

i'm tired of building strength from all the bullshit. i need myself more
than anything as a reminder that the future doesn't stop and it won't.
if i can make it through one day i can make it through another. i'm
losing so much of my life.. so fucking much..but i do it in order to
make it better for me. one day i won't be in this house, i'll be
someone, i'll have something to look forward to. this does not altar my
plans for my life. but it breaks my heart
-- elle