i've never been more afraid of death.

today was one of the most eyeopening,saddest days of my life. it could
have been the 4 fifths of absolute but my family makes my lungs close.
i saw hurt like i've never seen before,so raw i could feel it. i've
never watched so much fear and feel so much sorrow. i know one day i'll
feel like them,losing a mom and i see now that it never gets easy.it
hurts me like no one could ever believe.
it's so hard to let go but sometimes it's what needs to be done.

as weird as this sounds another thing i experienced for i think the
first time in my entire life was true love. it made my heart melt and i
wanted to cry because it was just so pure and the most beautiful thing
to see. my aunt and uncle were slow dancing and they looked just so
happy,being together for 23 years. it's mindblowing.

i feel like crying now today has been such a wave of constant emotions.
i even talked about what has haunted me since i was 4 years old.. i
realize now how afraid i am of myself and everything that i feel. i am
never certain i am only attempting to be. i'm not as close asi thought i
was but i won't quit

my family is who i am and with all of their flaws, i love them more than
anything.
-- chinadoll<3